8 steps to surviving the zombie apocalypse

When you hear the words ‘zombie apocalypse’, what kind of images and thoughts does it conjure in your mind? Are you the kind of weirdo that we see on the National Geographic channel’s ‘Doomsday Preppers’ that somehow has managed to squirrel away the entire contents of a Walmart store in their pantry? Are you the kind of person that fails to see the allure of a zombie apocalypse and wonders why teenagers everywhere want there to be an epidemic in which the infected eat the non-infected? Or are you a member of the awesome club who has a katana stowed under their pillow ready to be whipped out at the first mention of a ‘cannibal attack bought on by bath salts?’

I’m not writing this to validate or justify why I think the zombie apocalypse will happen, because I already know it will. This is a fucked up world we live in, my friends. Technology and medicine have advanced to great lengths, so much so that the average smartphone of today has more power than the space craft that brought Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon. Are you skeptics out there telling me that sooner or later, some psycho-maniac scientist isn’t going to try and weaponise something and cause the destruction of mankind? No. I think not. It’s already happening around you. Remember that horrific story that was on the news a while back about the guy in Miami. Let me recount the story for those of you who were living under a rock. So a homeless guy in Miami is sitting on the pavement, minding his own business, when a MANIAC attacks him. Now, I don’t know the specifics of this story, but I do know that this crazy motherfucker was naked, and HE ATE THE HOMELESS GUY’S FACE OFF. WITH HIS TEETH. Somewhere in this chaos, the police are called, and they begin to realise that, hey, this guy is freaking crazy, so they shoot. He doesn’t die. They keep shooting. He is still standing. Finally, they shoot him in the head, the guy goes down. The next day, his autopsy reveals that he was supposedly high on a drug known as ‘bath salts’. Yeah, right.

This is the poor homeless guy after they operated on his face. His eyes and nose are completely fucking gone.

This is the poor homeless guy after they operated on his face. His eyes and nose are completely fucking gone.

A similar case actually happened, again in America, and possibly again in Miami if my memory serves me correctly. I don’t know the specifics, but when they were shooting this particular guy, he started to pull out his intestines, and THROW THEM AT THE POLICE OFFICERS. So, I did my research (actually, no, I didn’t. But I watched every episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ and I also watched ‘World War Z’, ’28 Days Later’, ’28 Weeks Later’ and every other zombie-related thing I could find) and have decided to write you guys a survival guide so you do not drop dead at the first mention of ‘bath salts’. You may thank me later.

1) Do not travel in groups bigger than 10. It’s tempting to call every single person you know and start a mini town where you are the leader and saviour, but I assure you, you will have a mutiny on your hands very, very quickly. It’s better to travel in small, loyal, manageable packs. It’ll make it easier to find a place to hide, and it’ll make it easier to cover ground quickly. If you have 100 lost, confused, scared, idiotic people trailing behind you, you may as well cover yourself in barbecue sauce and run amok in the streets of London, ululating at the top of your lungs. 

2) Distribute your supplies wisely. So I read a book the other day, and the idiot protagonist gives one person all the water, one person all the food, and one person all the medical supplies. For the love of God, DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. As you can probably guess, this group of idiot-fools got separated, and the guy with the medical supplies starved to death, the girl with the food dehydrated, and the girl with all the water bled out. If you find yourself in the situation where you have too many supplies and you must distribute them, give each person a little bit of everything. That way, if you were to get separated, at least you still have a fighting chance. 

3) Carry silent weaponry. Just imagine it. You’re walking down the streets of post-apocalyptic London, you have an AK47 held at the ready, and WHOA. Right there, behind the battered old Ford, you see two zombies shambling in your direction. Better whip out the gun, eh? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!! They’re dead, you can let your guard down. No you can not! *huge slap across your idiot face* The noise of the gun attracted every other zombie in the vicinity. You’re surrounded by a bloodthirsty herd, there is nowhere for you to run, oh no, you’re dead. How sad. Let this be a lesson to you. Carry silent weapons. This not only gives you the advantage over the zombies, but makes sure that you do not die before you can do your victory dance. Silent weapons include machetes, katanas, baseball bats, maces, and anything else you can bash across a ripe zombie skull.

Why do you think she survived so long? I'm just sayin'... A katana would be a valuable investment...

Why do you think she survived so long? I’m just sayin’… A katana would be a valuable investment…

4) Travel on foot. Any of you opting to travel by car obviously haven’t watched ‘War of the Worlds’. This may not be a zombie movie, but you can learn a very valuable lesson from it. Human beings become ridiculously desperate at times of crisis. Tom Cruise and his kids almost got killed in that film, merely because they had a functioning car, and every person they came across insisted that he give them a ride. In the end, Tom and his family get pulled out of the car, people are smashing and breaking apart the windshield with their bare hands, and the car is overcome by a horde of hysterical people. If you must, travel by bicycle, but foot is the best option. You may not cover as much ground, but you can get into places that a car can not. Also, you can hide at a moments notice, you can not do that with a car unless you are Dynamo the magician. 

5) If you see another group of survivors, I assure you, they are out to get you. No, this isn’t my paranoid rambling doing the talking, but 99% of the time, the other group are crazy ass, psychos that wanna eat all your food and use your virgin body for a satanic ritual. Picture this: you and your group are whistling merrily on your way, and you hear a woman screaming, ‘Oh no,’ you say, ‘that lady is in trouble. Avengers assemble!!!’ You find the lady, and she is trapped in a car surrounded by zombies. You and your friends charge at them. All of a sudden, the zombies are not zombies anymore, but regular people pretending to be zombies. Regular people with AK47s, that is (Clearly, they didn’t take my fucking advice) and now you and your group are all on your knees with your hands behind your head. They jack your shit, and run off into the sunset, cackling maniacally. My point is, you don’t need to play the hero all the time. If you see other people, your best bet is to avoid them, because not everybody has the best intentions, especially in an apocalyptic situation.

6) If they’re infected, kill them. This is where it gets a little grim. Your friend has been bitten, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Do you let them live until they change, or do you kill them straight away? It’s tough, but the answer is the latter. Chances are, you won’t know the specifics of the zombie virus, and you aren’t qualified enough to make an intelligent guess. When will they change? You don’t know that. It could be three minutes later… it could be in the middle of the night when everybody has fallen asleep. Are you willing to risk it? Even if you send them on their way with a gun, what if one week down the line, they come back as a zombie and rip out your jugular? WHAT IF ZOMBIES LEARN HOW TO USE GUNS, AND YOUR FRIEND COMES BACK AND SHOOTS YOU ALL??? Anyway, do you really want them to suffer? You may as well end their misery.

7) Who died and made YOU leader? It will inevitably happen. The group argument about how you’re turning into a tyrannical maniac, and how this is a democracy, and how they are not your slaves. Usually, it’s just the hunger, homesickness and fear talking. People like to blame things as opposed to logical thinking, and chances are they will all vent their frustrations to the group leader because they believe that person has been blessed by the Pope and can do no wrong. Pretty big boots to fill, if you ask me. Make sure everybody has a say. Being Adolph Hitler will just mean that you’ll wake up one day to find that your entire group has stolen the supplies and bailed on you, and then what? Take some time to talk to everyone, make sure they’re all doing okay, make sure to take their suggestions into consideration… you never know, it just might save your life.

DON'T TURN INTO THIS GUY. You'll end up with only one eye...

DON’T TURN INTO THIS GUY. You’ll end up with only one eye…

8) Keep moving. It would be nice to have a place to call your own during this chaos, wouldn’t it? After a long hard day of killing zombies and scrounging for food, you can sleep easy with the knowledge that you have a nice comfortable place to go to. WRONG!!! This is why people die. Complacency. So, picture this: you have a nice cosy house. All your food and weapons are there, and you go there everyday to sleep. Little do you know, that another group has been observing you. They know what time you leave the house, they know what time you come back… they know when you accidentally leave a window or door open… They rob you, of course. One night, you come back to find that everything is gone. Scenario number two: you’re sleeping in your bed. A zombie herd ramble past your house, and they see a light, or they smell your life essence. They ambush the house. You wake up, and just barely manage to escape, but all your stuff is in the house. Isn’t this what happens in the beginning of ’28 Days Later’? The moral of the film is, keep moving. DO NOT GET TOO COMFORTABLE, it will end badly for you.

So there you have it! 8 steps to surviving the zombie apocalypse. I assure you, if you follow these steps religiously, you will last much, much longer. Anyway, leave a comment to tell me your advice on surviving the zombie apocalypse! AND STAY AWAY FROM MIAMI. 

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