I don’t know who invented stairs, neither am I aware around which century this innovation arose, but I would like to throttle the man (it was probably a man) who decided that human beings desperately needed stairs in their lives. In fact, I am currently working on building a time machine so that I could go back and discourage the fool and save the countless people who have been in stair-related accidents. Hey, do you smell that…? That smell of bitter contempt that just wafted through your computer/tablet/phone screen? Yep, that is the smell of my rant.
So I decided to go out for a little wander today. I left the house with no specific plans, and by the time I got to my destination (it ended up being a shopping mall) I was like, what the heck, let’s watch a movie. (Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes was fucking awesome, by the way!!) This particular shopping mall happens to be the biggest and most popular one in London: Westfield. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Westfield. What I don’t love is the fifteen billion steps you have to climb before you get anywhere near a shop. For those of you abroad who haven’t had to encounter this torture, here is a picture of what we Londoners have to go through on a daily basis.
And those escalators on the left? A HUGE FUCKING LIE. They never work. There is always yellow tape blocking access to them, advertising to everybody that the stairs are ‘out of order and will be fixed as soon as possible.’ Now, obviously the architect hired to build this gargantuan place got incredibly trigger happy with the stairs. Before anybody asks, yes, there are elevators too, but they’re full of old people and pregnant ladies. They JUDGE you with their beady eyes if a young person takes an elevator, not to mention, the last time I got into one was the day after watching M. Night Shyamalan’s ‘Devil’.
So anyway, I’m climbing the steps, gripping onto the guard rail for dear life, lest I lose my footing and go tumbling down the concrete steps right into a huge puddle of rainwater. And that’s when I see a HUGE FUCKING PITBULL-TERRIER being towed down the stairs by his owner. The poor guy could barely control his dog, he was trying to yank him away from me, but the dog was adamant on steamrollering me for no reason whatsoever. Who knows? Maybe I smelt of bacon, or something?
I have a phobia of dogs, you know. I lose my shit if a poodle yaps at me, so this ape-dog mutant thing (I had just watched a Planet of the Apes movie) had me bricking it all the way up the stairs. I fixed my eyes to the top of the stairs and just began to sprint. I don’t know why I did that. All I know is that fear makes me lose my marbles.
They say you should never run if you see a scary dog. I ran. The dogs head perked up, he let out an almighty WOOF and charged after me. His poor owner got rope/leash burn on his hand, but I didn’t fucking care, because this dog was gonna kill me. The man is shouting for his dog to stop, the people around me parted faster than the Red sea did for Moses and I’m sprinting for my life up the stairs.
Remember those marbles I said that I lost? Yes, I must have slipped on one of these fucking marbles, because next thing you know, my ankle caught on a step and twisted painfully to the side and I went down. The dog leapt, blocking out the sun, and I lay there preparing to die when his owner literally came out of nowhere, grabbed my arm and yanked me away from the leaping dog.
After many apologies, he assisted me up the remaining steps and all the way to the Vue cinema, he even offered to pay for the popcorn, but I reminded him that he had a very dangerous dog waiting for him outside (tied SECURELY to a pole.) I watched the movie and limped away.
So if anyone hates stairs just as much as I do, let me know, and we can get into the time machine together to kill the man. Leave a comment below, and please somebody find out who the stairs-inventing guy is!!!!!